yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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