My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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