my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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