Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
