Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
