Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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