If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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