Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can I color on your dick again?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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