worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
