I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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