I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
from now on my penis is your penis
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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