And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
