You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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