Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
