I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
