Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
