i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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