The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize