i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
