Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sext me about skeletons
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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