I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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