Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The Olympian is in my bed
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