I want to have your abortion
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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