the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
