She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
