I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
