so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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