I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
