she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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