Tell her she can't have a vagina
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
