Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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