I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
