ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
