i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
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