I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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