well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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