i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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