I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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