I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
dude. I can hear the air.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
