My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
