we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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