If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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