he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
