did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
