I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
