make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
