not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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