that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
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