don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
