i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
