DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
