I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
