her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
