Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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