I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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