is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh god it's open bar.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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