he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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