She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
