i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize