I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
