My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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